The Onion

(Washington DC) As the government reopens, the White House is reminding Americans to reduce their taxes next year by 12%, to represent the 43 days the government was closed in 2025. “Really, it should be more, but we have to keep it honest,” said Trump in remarks as he golfed at his New Jersey golf course, presumably relaxing from his golfing trip to Mar a Lago during the shut down.

(Washington DC) As Democrats cross the aisle to reopen the government after the longest government shut down in US history, republicans have taken to the offensive. House lawmakers have presented a list of demands to take on the Senate resolution, which is required to reopen the government.

(Washington DC) As democrats break ranks to end the government shutdown with no concessions, leaders for the party made clear that their actions so far will guide future actions as well. “This fight was one of many we’ll face when it comes to the needs of the American people,” said Chuck Shumer to reporters, “and we can promise Americans that this is the best they’re going to get.”

(Washington DC) As the longest shut down in US history continues, democratic lawmakers are beginning to express concern - and drop their demands - as the FAA has issued new guidance that private jet traffic may halt in busy airports across the country.

(Mar a Largo, FL) the president is said to be shaken, but in stable condition after what he claims was an attack by “masked men” in his office, after a brief official meeting after a full day of golfing. The president says the he has no idea how the assailants got through layers Secret Service security, and likewise escaped, but pointed out several times that his injuries had nothing to do with what was said in the meeting. “They were big, bad men, with masks, this was nothing to do with the meeting, what was said in the meeting,” trump reiterated to the media.

(Los Angeles, CA) Citing prior art, Marvel Comics and Disney Entertainment have filed suit in district court, claiming that using a SNAP to half food benefits infringes on their copyright. “The iconic use of a snap to halve things is the property of Marvel Entertainment, and the trump administration does not have permission to use this property,” read the complaint filed Friday.

(Washington DC) There was uproar at a White House children’s event today, as a furious president trump, leaving the Oval Office after meeting Democratic Senators, threw Dick Durbin’s (D, Illinois) cat at the children of the event. Two children received medical attention and were released. The event was celebrating education without diversity.

(Wall Street, NY) Traders took a moment to remember Nancy Pelosi‘s career today, as the Congresswoman announced she was ending her 38 year stint as a Washington politician. Pelosi spent many of those years as a Democratic leader in Congress, serving as Speaker of the House under four Presidents.

(Washington DC) As republicans respond to election loses and the Epstein files become a distant summer dream, the US Department of Transportation announced that, should the government ever reopen, work will immediately begin to widen roads to accommodate new vehicles being produced by Chevy and planned by Ford and Dodge. Referred to as “Double Wide” trucks, the vehicles are 50% wider than traditional wide trucks, and base models stand 10 feet from the ground with basic packages. Chevy announced the vehicles will be hitting stores in early 2026.

(Pittsburgh, PA) In a Tuesday press conference, scientists at the Duolingo language-learning software company announced they are closing in on the perfect learning experience. Scientists say they have almost added every animation and effect that the marketing department predicted would help students learn, and hope to finish soon.

(Addis Ababa, Ethiopia) Calling on a spirit of kinship after so much help in the past, the nation of Ethiopia has pledged food and monetary aid to the US as millions face food insecurity across the nation. Abiy Ahbed Ali, Ethiopia’s Prime Minister, announced that the money would go directly to non-profits, to avoid concerns of corruption in the American federal government, which might prevent aid from reaching those in need.

(Seoul, Korea) In transit from talks in South Korea, US president donald trump made statements to the press corps some consider alarming. Discussing the time change they would all be facing returning to the US, trump casually mentioned, “and of course, we have Daylights Savings Time coming up, and I am very prepared this year, those Time Beavers won’t know what hit them.”

(Washington DC) Taking a break from foreign diplomacy, President Trump delivered a followup speech on his views of wetland policy Tuesday, after sharp criticism from skeptics about his approach to solving habitat loss. “We can disagree,” said the President, “and we often should. But this is an important issue in ten years for America, and we have to start addressing it today, before major changes in climate.” Trump cited a study by Egyptian researchers on their own wetlands, and how it can be applied in America. “They’ve done incredible work here, and all the heavy lifting is done, we just have to implement. The money is there, we just have to work a little to find it.”

(Osaka, Japan) Citing objections by Democrats, the trump white house has reversed course on building the entire East Wing ballroom out of “soy beans and soy bean products.” The president proposed the material in a call with farmers on Monday morning.

(Washington DC) On Saturday, a muddy and clearly disheveled donald trump announced to reporters that there was not a secret hoard of gold under the White House East Wing. “We looked everywhere,” said trump. “I had Eric and… and the other one… looking everywhere with shovels. It’s not there.”

(Doha, Qatar) Citing the surprising wanton destruction of 1/3 of the White House by US-backed construction company, Al-Queda, the middle eastern terror organization know for its attacks on the World Trade Center on 9/11, has registered as a construction demolition company in the United States. They state they will specialize in the complete destruction of American monuments and historical buildings, as well as schools, religious buildings, and centers of commerce around the country.

(Washington DC) As Demolition of 1/3 of the White House nears completion, a lawsuit has been filed alleging that the partial destruction of the building represents theft of intellectual property by the construction company. The Al-Queda Terror Group (NYSE: AQTG) has filed a $1.2 billion lawsuit, claiming “irreparable harm and damages to their terror plans and intellectual property.”

(Las Vegas, NV) As demolition begins on the East Wing of the White House, a partnership has been struck between the president and Wynn Casinos in Las Vegas. Construction plans are being modified to include 36 luxury rooms on five floors above the planned ballroom, with a penthouse presidential suite and appropriate guest amenities on the lower floor. A glass elevator with a private bar, manned by a Charlie Kirk impersonator, was proposed but may not be implemented fully due to negotiations with the Kirk family.

(Lviv, Ukraine) As the Gaza cease fire begins to unravel, a shift in israeli policy has alarmed international aide groups, and drawn question to the future of peace in the region. Friday, israeli prime minister netanyahu announced that in light of the situation in Ukraine, troops will not be pulling back from the yellow line of the current peace agreement in Gaza, and will likely remain until it is confirmed all enemy activity in Ukraine has ended. The move has evoked confusion around the globe.

(Washington DC) As the government shut down continues, and the Epstein Files fester, the White House is denying rumors the president is flirting with leaving his responsibilities and ruling a younger country, leaving JD Vance to “finish her off,” as unnamed sources in the beltway claim.

For reference, this is unusual. They’ve continued to share things on social media like IG, but it’s all old content - like a “best of” compilation. Has anyone heard anything about what’s actually going on? I adore their work, and have supported them by buying merch in the past. It’d suck to lose, what I consider to be, a unique satirical voice in the shit-show that is modern life.

(Memphis, TN) A recent poll of republican voters shows that 89% want more videos of angry or crying liberal Americans, while only 3% want the consequences of the actions that anger them. The poll, released Wednesday, matches the general sentiment of republican lawmakers as well.

(Washington DC) As the House of Representatives remains closed to prevent release of the Epstein Files and the Senate is making no progress towards compromise, the White House has promised to shut down the Canadian government as well, if a spending bill is not passed in three days. In a tweet Wednesday, trump blamed both democrats and liberals for the shutdown of both governments.