The Hoarders TV series launched its reboot this week with an episode featuring a spiritually destitute, disgusting man hoarding billions of dollars to himself in his Medina mansion.
(Houston, TX) As the race for Senate in Texas continues to heat up, the Texas Republican Party has released a “recommended polling place” map to help their voters. “This race is about integrity,” said Angelina Kramp, a Republican spokesperson, “and we want to make sure Ken’s voters aren’t judged for theirs.” The list of poll stations contains mostly gated or retirement communities, megachurches, and gun range gift shops, but Kramp says the list is curated further than typical MAGA strongholds.
A guest column argues that patriotic homeowners must surrender their lawns, guest bedrooms, and constitutional rights to off-duty federal immigration agents in need of a place to sleep.
(Killeen, TX) As the government prepares for the first public execution in the nation’s history, trump told reporters Thursday that the trend will continue, with a catch. “Next one is pay-per-view,” the President said. “You gotta hook ‘em. It’s like drugs, the first one’s free. Don’t do drugs though, but watch us kill people.”
(Chicago, IL) The popular satirical news site “The Onion” announced mass hirings in their newspaper and broadcast divisions Wednesday, as staff member left in droves to take advantage of the new, more relaxed hiring standards of the FBI. The federal agency began hiring applicants with more questionable backgrounds Monday, citing staffing difficulties.
“Late-stage capitalism is an absolute grind. Gerontocracies remind us that short-term, medium-term, and long-term disability insurance policies exist for a r…
“Consider me stupid. Pour money into my state and strangle every aspect of the parts of life I use to acquire information to make choices. Ruin my television…
Tech companies have begun offering personal AI agents, which can access users’ accounts and perform tasks on their behalf. The Onion examines the pros and cons of these autonomous digital assistants.
“Your hometown isn’t the same place you grew up in. You’re nostalgic for a memory of a ghost of a place that doesn’t even exist. Did it ever exist? Did you?”
(Portland, OR) Last Thursday the Portland City Counsel voted 9-0 to move forward with the city’s budget - one key measure in the budget commits funds to replace thousands of homeless residents with AI, some as early as this December. Dubbed the “Digital Outdoorsman” initiative, the measure commits funds to replace a majority of the homeless in the city with a custom Artificial Intelligence. City leaders say the need to digitize the homeless is urgent.
“I’m just thinking out loud here, but maybe a political party that has dedicated the last forty years to taking away women’s rights could also give some thou…
“Can a rapist’s prose effectively elicit remorse for sexual assault? What word count best equates to appropriate jail time? In this class, we will dissect wh…
Starbucks’ bumpy road to relocating much of its workforce to Nashville, Tenn. continued today after the state’s transphobic legislators demanded a genital check of the Starbucks Mermaid before she’s allowed to get a new ID to live and work in the state.
“First, accept how fun reading isn’t. Words do not blast stim at the rate we enjoy today. Words are old, older than TikTok. Back then, a human would read, ‘F…
Citing positive feedback and increased foot traffic that grew day after day for a year and a half, next week the car-free Pike Place Market pilot program will come to an end on Oct. 1 after it was deemed too successful to continue.
“The health and safety of our customers is an appreciable notch on the sliding scale of both Consolidated Harvest Friends’ and the larger Northstar Halcyon T…
After months of doing his best to pretend he’s ever given a single actual shit about women’s sports, today local transphobe and Washington Sex Verification Requirements for Female School Sports Initiative supporter Rick Petty admitted he doesn’t know how much longer he can keep this up.
No nation can truly call itself a democracy until its leader has dismissed the entire press corps and replaced them with state-run media. Now, instead of Americans depending on the lying mainstream news, they’ll be able to get their information straight from the ultimate beacon of truth: the president himself.
WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth clarified Pentagon policy on homosexuality this week, declaring that oral sex between two men is not gay provided both participants are physically fit and clean-shaven.
Leaves weren’t the only things changing colors today in Downtown Seattle as people walking by Amazon’s headquarters witnessed the usually blue Bezos Balls return to their natural tan color after busting a union.
Thanks to a generous new grant from Microsoft and the Gates Foundation, a new AI literacy program is awarding Seattle students a free personal pan pizza after showing teachers they don’t know how to read a single book anymore.
“The ER can be a busy place, so out of respect for your time and our HMO cost-saving measures, you have been referred to take this class first. After two wee…
“Human lives are fragile. A piano might fall on a person’s head. A person might get mistaken for a piñata at a birthday party and get beaten to death. An aut…
Just hours after Macklemore announced he’d been dropped by Ed Sheeran’s Loop tour for saying “Free Palestine,” his replacement has reportedly also already been dropped by Sheeran’s tour for saying “Free America.”
NEW YORK—Insisting your fate was sealed the moment you clicked the link, a report released Tuesday found that you will be fired for reading this headline about Charlie Kirk. “Shortly after you navigated to this article, your IP address was logged and your supervisor approved the decision to remove you from your position,” the report read in part, revealing that the choice had been made after a brief conversation among your superiors in which it was repeatedly emphasized that your behavior in loading this page and spending nearly two minutes reading its content about the late Turning Point USA co-founder was an action inappropriate for the moment.
With a listless sigh and helpless shrug, today multi-trillion-dollar Alphabet subsidiary Google Maps pre-emptively bent over and renamed Seattle’s Lake Union to Lake Confederacy.
“Yeah, we know, we’re seen as boring and old and out of touch. But we’re hungry for progress. As long as it feels scripted and familiar. We’re ready to usher…
“I didn’t think a full, six-day-per-week, fourteen-hour-per-day, in-office schedule was necessary to discharge my duties clicking the ‘generate’ button, foll…
“DIE HOT is your new favorite fitness fusion studio blending elements of Pilates, barre, yoga, drought, inclement weather, the 1930s Dust Bowl, Zara Larsson,…
“I just have other interests, I guess, apart from politics. Did I tell you I’m working with the PTA in the school library to remove any books with objectiona…
“In Woke 7, we come to understand that waiting for someone to do something bad before forgiving them is the mistake of Wokes 1 through 6, frankly. In Woke 7,…
“The US Open prides itself on being an inclusive tennis event for people of all upper-income brackets. Here are some budget-friendly ticket options that are …
From the Redacted Fish (Coregonos epsteinfilens) to the Lamprey Assistant (Petromyzon harpius), this guide has you covered on all the new invasive wildlife l…
Today Toyota revealed its all-new, highly anticipated 2027 Pacific Northwest Edition Prius, which for the first time ever comes with extra mirrors so that drivers can more fully enjoy the suffering of those stuck behind them in traffic.
“Liberals can grumble all they want about ‘affordability’ and ‘access to food that doesn’t leave them doubled over on the toilet begging for death.’ This is …
“One minute, they are a treasured record of human thought. The next, they are twelve searchable megabytes and a manageable quantity of mixed paper strips goi…
OTTAWA – After Donald Trump signed an executive order renaming Lake Ontario “Lake America,” Prime Minister Mark Carney announced he would preemptively rename the rest of the Great Lakes as “Lake Legal Adult” in order for the president to immediately lose interest in touching them.
LOS ANGELES – Following the death of beloved 80-year-old British actor Tim Curry, observers have noted a coterie of anonymous upper crust suspects arriving at his mansion in order to investigate the mystery what actually happened to him.
“Sure, this city is in the middle of nowhere, isn’t near major job markets, and doesn’t have maintained roads, well-funded schools, or functioning emergency …
“She often misses opportunities to partner with me in meeting our mission-critical KPIs of barking at wild rabbits, anyone in a uniform, men in hats, men in …
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