Not The Onion

According to an affidavit written by a DPS special agent, Ozment allegedly called the Governor’s Office on the afternoon of July 25. DPS claims Ozment left the following voicemail (KXAN has redacted the profanity in the transcript provided by DPS):

A California woman who was sentenced to 11 years in prison in 2004 pleaded guilty this week in another stabbing death.

FIFA president Gianni Infantino is offering Morocco the rights to host the 2030 World Cup final in exchange for supporting his reelection as FIFA president, according to The Times, extending the proposal as he faces calls to resign following a controversial plan to sell stakes in the World Cup.

Alt link: https://archive.is/Opwfh

The ride-hailing giant promised to handle legal claims “in a way that is best for the survivor.” Its lawyers are pursuing a far more aggressive strategy.

26 year old director of a stage tour of “Rocky Horror” been taken in captivity and is currently under oaf for faking death threats against himself to prevent any pre existing behind the scenes drama with the cast.

The threat arrives in plain language. “Failure to comply could jeopardize eligibility for state educational scholarship programs,” Uthmeier wrote, aiming at the funding stream that carried roughly 88 percent of Florida’s more than 94,000 Catholic school students last year. He gave the bishops until August 7 to respond — ten days before most Florida schools open for the new year.

Robert F. Kennedy to host cooking show with focus on inexpensive meals

Who’s underemployed now?

Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy announced Tuesday that his department would redirect $1.73 billion in Biden-era grants away from establishing “DEI bike lanes” to build roads and bridges instead.

Real senator, or wax figurine?

A mysterious wave of severe tics swept through teenagers worldwide, baffling neurologists until investigators uncovered a digital culprit reshaping adolescent behavior in real time.

A team of scientists uploaded videos of the squirrel-like rodents in the wild on the adult-content site OnlyFans to raise money amid government budget cuts.

In May 2025, Department of Energy (“DOE”) Secretary Chris Wright executed a policy memorandum titled “Ensuring Responsibility for Financial Assistance” that, among other things, established a Portfolio Review Process (PRP).

The jokes write themselves, don’t they?

A judge at Galway Circuit Court has apologised to a victim of domestic violence for what he called "this stupid and ridiculous legal system".

A small recompense for decades of jokes at Mexico’s expense, eh?

We might be screwed

DONALD TRUMP SAID he gets to host the World Cup and 2028 Olympics because “they rigged the election”.

From BBC News: https://www.bbc.com/news/live/cd9w8xk75ndt Title as of 16:15 EDT.

it's quite oniony that "It ruled that the combination of words was not an unusual linguistic combination in English."

The Onion is truly redundant

JD Vance sought last week to use a military helicopter to ferry himself and his son across Washington for a golf lesson, one of a number of allegedly unusual travel requests that has left the Republican’s security detail “fed up,” MS Now reports.

Fines issued to Russian drivers for parking and stopping violations while they waited in line for gasoline will be canceled, Interior Ministry spokeswoman Irina Volk said.

Archive: [ https://archive.is/NzDOX ]

How is this not crossposted yet?