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Please post jokes about adult topics to the new Uncle Jokes community

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Update 2025-9-11: If you cannot tell this joke to a 5-year-old and they would understand, you should probably post it to the this community: !unclejokes@lemmy.world. Please message me if you think it could be different.

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Post text, images, or direct links only

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Please see the updated sidebar. Do not post external links to websites such as Facebook and Instagram.

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Why does Peter Pan ways fly around?

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Because he Neverlands!

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I had a great childhood, in 1978 Dad used to roll us downhill in a large tire

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It was a Goodyear.

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It was a soft drink!

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cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/50347624

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Why don't oranges ever need glasses?

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Because they have lots of vitamin see!

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When I first started dating my wife, I asked her what her hobbies were. She said she liked drilling large holes in the earth. I said....

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That’s boring…..

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Shoplifters Beware!

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Cross posted from https://lemmy.world/post/50339054

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What a deal!

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why do the military troops belong to the library?

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because they are information

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Adopt don’t shop

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The dark ages

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Why is it tough for women postal workers?

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Because it’s a mail dominated career!

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Sheryl Crow and Russel Crowe walk into a bar

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Bandwidth

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cross-posted from: https://reddthat.com/post/70602385

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Many French gardeners fill their plot with decorative cabbages instead of edible vegetables.

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The whole thing is just for chou.

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Did you hear about the guy who thought he was a fish? After examination, doctors determined....

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He was mentally eel!

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Missing the simpler times

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What do you call a line of men waiting to get their hair cut?

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A barberqueue!

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The Spanish magician called to the crowd "Uno! Dos!"

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Then he snapped his fingers and vanished without a tres.

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They finally got sean to the tribunal.

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He was found innocent. I guess his good side shone through.

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Did you know I went to school to be a magician but failed out?

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There were too many trick questions!

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Truth

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cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/50073272

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I'm suspecting my French neighbor is communist...

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I recently got a new pet and I wanted to show him.

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Old McDonald had a server farm

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AI AI …. Oh :(

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Bacon and eggs walk into a restaurant, the hostess says...

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“We don’t serve breakfast here”…..

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Did you know NASA sent a rocket into space to say sorry to the aliens...

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They called it Apollo G!

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My first job as a detective was figuring out the best container for all my documents

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It was a brief case.

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what does a fish tell you after you eat it?

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don’t worry, it’s all hunkey-nori

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What do you call fake spaghetti?

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An im-pasta

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Why do kangaroos make good William Shatner impersonators?

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Because of the long paws

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Just don't give it to Mariah Carey for christmas

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I heard the police had trouble finding sean

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He vanished never to be seen again…

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My wife fell off a horse the other day....

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She’s in “stable” condition

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Never knew my...

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This is wrong on so many levels.

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Who led the Jewish people across a semi-permeable membrane?

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Os-Moses!

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My dad would have bought this.

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I met a drag queen from Manchester

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They had a Wigan address

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My wife thinks I'm the cheapest man in the world...

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I’m not buying it

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What do you call a dinosaur that's read Wuthering Heights?

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A Bronté-saurus!

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He will try his best …

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Plagiarism

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How do you tie your shoes in outer space?

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With astro-knots!

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Every time I go to the liquor store,a man appears and gives me advice on what to buy.....

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I think he’s my spirit guide.

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Why does Gannon refuse to go on the internet ?

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Because it’s full of links !

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Did you know that nature is so resourceful....

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That it can make dew with just water 💧

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Battery

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I started working out by lifting dictionaries...

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It’s the best way to get definition…

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What do you call a detective who accidentally solves all his cases?

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Sheer Luck Holmes.

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What's the largest kind of moth?

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. . . a behemoth!

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Where did Benedict Arnold shop for groceries?

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Traitor Joe’s!

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Why did Schrödinger use a cat for his thought experiment?

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The frog wouldn’t stop croaking.

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A schwing...

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2 Minutes of Stewart Francis' Funniest One-Liners! | Live at the Apollo

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what do you call a witch from Nevada?

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A sandwich!

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what you call a taxi driven by a cop?

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A cab!

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Where did people hang out in midieval times?

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Knight clubs!

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I need to sit down after that one

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cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/49514360

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Have you heard about the Greek god of low blood sugar ?

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His name was Diabetes …

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What do kittens have for breakfast?

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Mice Krispies!

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I thought you might appreciate my joke that's hiding in a post nobody's looking at.

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I know it’s not our standard format, but I think it’s funny.

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My daughter hasn't spoken to me for the past 6 months,

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… since she was born.

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What do you call a pizza with just peppers on it?

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Pepperonly pizza! 🍕 🍕

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The difference

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Holy Q2 numbers not looking good

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cross-posted from: https://lemmy.dbzer0.com/post/72244236

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German

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Kind of a fruity joke so bear with me. I always wanted to have a shotgun marriage or get married in a drive through in Las Vegas. But that will never happen you know why?

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Cantaloupe

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A coma in a sentence can make a huge difference. For example:

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“Let’s eat, Bob.” Has a completely different meaning from “Bob is in a coma”

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What is the least spoken language in the world?

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Sign Language

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Did you know I got sent to Mime camp when I was younger?

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I still can’t talk about it….

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Where does cheese go for help with its addiction?

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Brie-hab!

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A suitable name for a pet termite

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Why should you always borrow money from a pessimist?

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They never expect to get it back!

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Case closed

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Do you know why libraries are so tall?

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Because they have a lot of stories!

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what do you call a wizard that disregards OSHA

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Severed Snape

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