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Dad Jokes

!dadjokes@lemmy.world

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Please see the updated sidebar. Do not post external links to websites such as Facebook and Instagram.

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Please post jokes about adult topics to the new Uncle Jokes community

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Update 2025-9-11: If you cannot tell this joke to a 5-year-old and they would understand, you should probably post it to the this community: !unclejokes@lemmy.world. Please message me if you think it could be different.

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The Leslie Nielsen Award

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Who can drink 20 liters of gas without getting sick?

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Jerry can.

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I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink...

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…Now I’m in hospital, waiting to be seen.

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What do cows call their tabloid magazines? Fake moos.

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Selective breeding

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What's a pirate's favourite letter?

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R.

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It happens sometimes.

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Note: this is a true story, it happened a couple hours ago.

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Gentle comedy

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Gentle comedy rule

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I didn't really want a brain transplant....

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…but I changed my mind.

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What do mermaids use to wash their fins?

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Tide!

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What does a biologist say when they bring snacks for their sea cows?

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I have amenities for my manatees!

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What do you call a pig with laryngitis?

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Dis-gruntled!

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Why don't bears wear shoes? Because they would still have bear feet.

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Have you heard about the new Nixon pants?

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They don’t have zippers. They just have watergates.

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mailed it

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cross-posted from: https://feddit.org/post/23929720

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I took a pole recently.

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100% of people were unhappy that their tent fell down.

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What do you call someone who studies meteors?

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A weatherman

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It's tough for pilots to tell dad jokes

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They tend to fly over people’s heads.

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An airline agent would not let the leopard check his dead gazelle as baggage.

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She insisted it was carrion.

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I find that bear steak tastes a lot like steak with nothing on it,

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and moose tastes a lot like chocolate pudding.

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Yesterday I woke up and saw the weirdest thing, a man with as many noses as there are days left in the year

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I always go to a tire shop on New Years Eve.

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That way I know I’ll always start off on a Goodyear!

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Like Mom always used to say

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Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

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What breed of dog is magic?

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Labracadabrador!

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groan alone

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cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ca/post/57150383

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(*cue "The X Files" song playing on a kazoo*)

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Snap, Crackle, and Pop Are Dead.

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Cops suspect a cereal killer.

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How do Santa's reindeer decorate their Christmas Trees?

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With horn-aments!

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I drew Mark Hamill on my wife's forehead while she was asleep.

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You should have seen the Luke on her face.

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Why did Santa's little helper go to therapy?

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Because he had low Elf-esteem!

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Pregnancy can also be refered to as the Egyptian flu.

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Because they’ll become a mummy.

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Merry Christmas you filthy animal

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cross-posted from: https://piefed.world/post/710052

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Did you hear about the new breakfast meal McDonalds has introduced in Germany?

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It’s called the egg mit muffin.

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Where do Santa's reindeer get their coffee?

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Star-bucks!

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What do you call someone whose keys go missing at the beach?

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A shore loser

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Why was the snowman digging through a basket of carrots? 🥕

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He was picking his nose. ⛄️

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Why does your father find all these jokes funny?

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Tap for spoilerBecause he has a really dad sense of humor.

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What did the earthquake say to the tsunami?

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It’s not my fault.

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What is Santa's favorite metal band?

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Sleigh-er! 🤘🎅

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What a bargain!

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also doubles as "classic rock"

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What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?

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The elf-abet!

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Kindness is key

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Why do farmers have ankles?

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To keep the calves from the corn.

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What kind of shoes do chickens wear?

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Re-bawks

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Dad, what time is your dentist appointment?

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It’s at tooth-hurty.

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So many people are too judgemental today....

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I can tell just by looking at them.

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Be unpredictably punny

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cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/39711441

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What do you get if you boil a funny bone?

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Laughing stock.

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mindblowing

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EDIT: direct upload so viewers don’t have to rely on imgur ;) I wasn’t aware that this is an issue, but luckily it is an easy fix .. and that you for letting me know.

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Man voting for Reagan's 2nd term: "It feels like 1984."

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They called me mad when I said I could cure blindness

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They’ll see. They’ll ALL see!

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When I told my parents I wanted to be a comedian, they laughed.

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What makes travelling by plane the most boring way to travel?

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It’s just plane travel.

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What kind of birds are known for sticking together?

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Vel-crows!

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How do you know that William is a body builder?

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Where there’s Will there’s whey.

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Just your typical...

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cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/39507522

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Follow me for more tips and tricks

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I liked this one

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I tried to go to Barnes and Noble on Black Friday...

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Everything was booked….

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I went to visit my friend in the hospital and kept getting mildly insulted by everyone I passed. Doctors, nurses, patients, everyone....

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It turns out I was in the burn unit😳

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If the Pilgrims were still alive today, what would they be known for?

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Their age! 😐

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What do you have after eating a big bowl of alphabet soup? A vowel movement.

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What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

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Pumpkin Pi!

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It seems like everyone is split into two camps these days: pro-vax and anti-vax, pro-tariff and anti-tariff, probiotic and antibiotic...

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What do sweet potatoes wear to bed?

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Yammies!

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You can feed the pachyderms at the Budapest Zoo

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They’re Hungary Hungary Hippos 🇭🇺

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My Thanksgiving celebrations include a little time travel,

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I always go back 4 seconds

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Statistically Speaking, Six out of Seven Dwarves Are Not Happy

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Did you hear about the turkey that plays baseball?

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He plays first baste!

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What’s a Jawa’s favorite pasta?

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SpoilerROTINI!

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If you receive an email from me talking about canned meat, don't open it. It's SPAM.

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What do you need to make Thanksgivng S'mores?

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Pil-grahams!

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What are turkeys grateful for on Thanksgiving?

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Vegetarians!

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